im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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