Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize