I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Randomize
