my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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