I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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