PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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