Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
we're making bets on your personal life
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
