I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
