We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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