I cockslap morals
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
