Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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