ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
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