Nicole vs. Life
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
