i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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