I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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