proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
