His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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