you would pick up someone in the library
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
