Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
