You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
