my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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