I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Randomize
