Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
