omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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