You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
