I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
