I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
