just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
