He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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