when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
being pregnant is like rehab
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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