oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
how drunk are you?
Several
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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