i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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