dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
