is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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