Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm too high and old for this...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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