i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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