I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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