you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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