I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i now understand why vodka
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
