I'm really into asian looking animals
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
