Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize