I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
