1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
