I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
