I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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