just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
he quoted the bible to break up with me
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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