I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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