Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
