A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
