So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
