I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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