I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
