When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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