Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Terrible idea I love it
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
