I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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