just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
